I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
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Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Spider-cat: No One Home
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.