[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
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why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.