me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
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Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
good work, detective
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve