Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
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Lunatics are gonna loon.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.