Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
You Might Also Like
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
LMAO.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit