can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
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I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?