😆this is so true
You Might Also Like
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it