Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
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I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
The news in a nutshell.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?