Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
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“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
#damn
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.