I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
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My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend