Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
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Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Matt Goss
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with