ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
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For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.