“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
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The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.