Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
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If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
🤣🤣🤣
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.