I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
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My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
same bro
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
ready to be harvested
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be