*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
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It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
some cats are just doing for fun!
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic