Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
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me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox