8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.