yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
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Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister