Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
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why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat