Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
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sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My favorite farside!!
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I unironically love this joke.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah