God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
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Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s