Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
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Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I feel this so hard
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.