My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
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[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.