tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
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What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
My dating profile:
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.