“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
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wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Proctology is located in A55