me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
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so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Is….Is this an option?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.