Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
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Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.