Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
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I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother