Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
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The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.