My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
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Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…