If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
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What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.