Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
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Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..