I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
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Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Thursday Thought.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.