EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
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Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.