Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
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7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?