Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
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Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I am patiently waiting for your email
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Social Media and Real life
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”