I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
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If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs