[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
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Start the year as you intend to continue.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Teach your children to beatbox
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
$4 #usedbooks
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh