Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
You Might Also Like
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
@ candidates for local office
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!