“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
You Might Also Like
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Did I do this right
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.