When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Cool shirt 🙂
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I used to be married, but I’m better now
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.