will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
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The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.