I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
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5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Is this you?
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Thinking about Jeff
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”