Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
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Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.