My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
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“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I like long walks away from everyone
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: