So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
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Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
In space, no one can hear…
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly