This week’s mood.
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Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.