I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
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Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.