My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
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Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Admin smashed it 😂
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.