“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
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I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
#parenting
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups