That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
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I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else